It’s late at night, almost four. Almost early. Too many nights bleeding into too many days. Sometimes I think my hours are razorblades lining up to be knocked over like rusty dominoes. Almost pretty shiny things but not anything you would want to grab a handful of. Could cut yourself on the sunshine, on the rain, on the chance meetings and hours of being stood up again. Soaking wet silk unfurling rivulets of colour to stain. To dye.
Counting down days by people.
I know Ray for five years now officially. This is the week we met because it was the week that Brenda had died the year before. I stayed up all night with a green candle in the trailor with him and the giant white birds in thier cages. We threw skittles in the air for us to catch with our mouths, so we met I think on the 3rd. The day I came back from Hope Week was the 7th. On the 7th was the party for Brenda. Block party where she used to live down on Odlum, (not a block from where Placebo was), and that’s where I picked up Nathaniel. Gold long hair and drunk. Drunk was useful. I was to go home with Mishka but I told her to go without me in spite of the fact that she might get in trouble and I knew I would. Gord sat and stared blankly, not understanding the subtexts and I walked off with Nate and Taf, who I don’t believe I’ve ever seen again. A week later almost to the day Gavin walked out on the shared porch to find me attempting a poker face while wrapped in a sheet, “looking exactly a Bottecelli Venus”. That day started the exchange of chocolate and ideas. One Wednesday before I was with tall him but after he’d moved out was Megans birthday where we dressed like goths and took pictures in the graveyard. Ray Zipp was there and Ray Fry, a boy Megan involved herself with briefly. Ray Zipp I think tried to involve himself with me but there was some odd communication issues. Megans birthday is the 25th and I remember dropping by the house to get things and finding Nathanial looking like a burnt out angel on the couch asleep, so that means that pretty, skinny Gavin and I didn’t get together until just before September because it was that week that I had nowhere to stay for three days and Nate brought home.. damn – girls name. Has an A? Looked like me but somehow not. Our descriptions would match. Very feminine. I wrote down when I painfully hid into Lidd, the night out we wandered with Ian and Wolfie and I did my clumsy seduction into his being mine after only knowing him a week because I simply couldn’t bear the thought of Gavin leaving. (One day I’ll forgive myself of seventeen, but not yet). So if Gavin left the week of the 18th, he left town the 23rd because that was the Sat, so I saw him last the 22nd. Which leaves me to say we were likely together for only two months.
This is how I remember. When there’s no-one around I cease to exist. I can’t remember that day, it held no importance. I paraphrased a poem the other day to Ethan. From Grendels mother. I can’t remember where I read it, but I’m sure it’s on my shelf. I like my words though, I like what I came up with.
I come to this hall full of bloodshed
to take back my sons flesh and bone
they are not yours, they are mine
I made them
I screamed as they came out of me
I scream as I take them back
If you wanted peace
You had only to ask