Tag: tony

the newest Secret Knots wants to know what to do



Walkthrough.

It is not even a question anymore that given the opportunity I would go back in time to lay out a new life for my past self, sit myself down and explain where not to be, who to see, what, instead, I should be finding. Tony and I were discussing this recently, that we would change our history without any hesitation, in particular, the year we were almost neighbors, both wrapped in misery, walking the same streets at night, locked out of the house by abusive relationships, (it’s very likely we brushed against each other as strangers, sat in the same places, rode the same bus, inches away yet years apart from saying hello). How incredible it would be to explain to our past selves, Do not continue with this. Instead, find this other person, tell them I sent you, tell them you’ll care.

oh airfare

Taxes: On hiatus while out of country. Should be filed by the end of next week.
Employment: Had a successful phone interview yesterday. A follow-up in person interview is being scheduled for next week.
School: Currently taking preparatory practice tests. Acing everything but math, which is not a surprise.
Driving: Pat has offered to pay for Young Drivers of Canada classes, which I will set up once back in Canada.
Giant Mirror: Julie has kindly agreed to trade it for sewing Kyle’s wedding cravat.
Painting: Out of my hands. Being done while out of the country.
Print Sale: Took and sold a number of pictures yesterday, one a commission.

Total Tally: Not too shabby.

My mother is driving down to meet us in Seattle this weekend. As a joint Mother’s Day and birthday present, Tony snagged Kooza Cirque tickets for the three of us for this Sunday. Spangles, tumblers, feats of incredible beauty? I’m dreadfully excited. Our very first date was to Teatro Tzinzanni, a dinner-theater circus in a spiegeltent, and then for every other Saturday that month we went to see Circus Contraption as they performed their very last shows ever. We went again to Teatro on Hallowe’en for our six month anniversary and won Staff-pick Guest of Honour at their costume contest. To go to the circus for my birthday ties it all together so nicely it makes my chest hurt.

Part of the reason I desperately want my print sale to work is so that I can gift him back with something equally as splendid, if not more. He takes care of me in ways that I never even dreamed of, so though there are a few things I could fundraise for, what I have particularly in mind is a weekend trip to see the Funundrum, the Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus show celebrating the 200th anniversary of P.T. Barnum’s birthday, playing Jun 17 – Jun 20 in Vegas, as they’re the apex of American circus culture, elephants and all. The show is coming to Seattle as well, but in August, the same dates we plan to be away at Burning Man. Plus, in Vegas we could stay at the Circus Circus, the most appropriate theme-venue possible.

It’s not the hotel rates that slay me, though, or even the circus tickets themselves. It’s the airfare. As far as I can find, the lowest there and back is more than my rent, more than my credit card limit. It is, however, only 25 – 60 prints sold.

catching the 5 a.m. bus


He slowly loses mass while I sleep, the cells of his body evaporating into morning. By the time I wake, he is gone, as well are his things. Defined by absence, no note is left, nothing to say he was here, only a small clear space is left behind on the floor from his suitcase. He drifts away like a ghost, particles shedding into the air with every breath as I dream, his kisses vanishing with him. Sitting in the bed, I find a few stray hairs on the pillow and twist them around a finger, wedding ring proof he’s not imaginary, but still I do not believe.

Back in Vancouver!

Tony and I have tickets to see Evelyn Evelyn, (Amanda Palmer and Jason Webley as conjoined twin sisters managed by a mad svengalian Sxip Shirey!!), tonight at Venue. Such an audacious concept, put together by such splendiferous people, can only be amazing. You know it, I know it. Come on out and play! Tickets are still available for $25 at Ticketmaster, livenation.com, Zulu, Red Cat, and Highlife Records.

trying to put the pin back into the grenade

  • An Animated Description Of Mr Maps
  • Animated x-ray examinations of speech

    It was a rough weekend, tumbled dry, scratchy eyed. I spent a night on the couch, tapping at computer keys, unable to sleep, singing my sorrow to the sky. The next day I packed, putting all of my things into a case, slamming doors while wrapping objects in paper, the better to save the glass. I felt lost, an army of emotion without will to fight.

    We went out, we walked, visited with friends and did not touch. The sun was out, the weather sweet as feathers, but things were not resolved. Returning home, suffering spiraled in again, wanting another twelve hours to be driven out. We do not argue in ritual. It is exceptional, infrequent, strange. Uncomfortable like our struggles are against nature. He is auto-defensive, I am as vulnerable as a weapon. There are cycles. Patterns of past relationships, themes of thrown history, locked doors, and memories of faces.

    In retrospect, we are growing to understand how to rarify the process. Quicken it, speed ourselves to closure, comfort, and need. If, world forbid, it happens again, we will not find pain as sharp an obstacle. This is twice, yet already we are faster. Fourty-eight hours is better than a month of weeks. I am wrung out, exhausted, and I’m sure he feels the same, but we found ways to mend what was broken, as well as affection. I am thankful for our effort, for our love. There is no better victory.