My ghodmother was over today with her Girl. They look beautiful together like the sun and air.


pirate

1. His hair has been as long since the day I met him, a dark sweep of night shot through with starlight. I think of Samson as he hangs up the phone to pick up his plane tickets. Paper printed like money drinking miles like the liquid of lover’s kisses I’m rummaging for answers in my little head attic, colour topped but still blonde on the inside, a box of coffee creamers full to the top. How will I ever forgive myself for subsisting on so little for so long? Drips of milk, pull back the paper, there’s only so much laughter left in the reservoir. I don’t have words to fill it with, I don’t have interaction that isn’t taking me for granted. My den of thieves I kiss at night, opening my lips against those that stay closed on the matters of names and meaning. I don’t have to be chased, but the proportion of need is becoming inverse to my reasons for staying. I swore I wouldn’t do this again.

pirate

2. My life is an in-joke. If you stare at my picture long enough, I will crawl out of the screen and try to find where you hid the chocolate. I can’t help it. I like meeting people. I like taking my way in for granted. I tickle hearts and make them laugh. If I could market this, I might have a more interesting job, though mine’s plenty good enough for right now. At last I finally exist. I’ve been awhile without it. This reaction is new and my skin is too tight. Your monitor settings are wrong, they make me twitch. Got to deguass, take a shower, de-recontextualize my prescience with my passions. These shoes are made for walking, but more so are my feet. I don’t have any damned boots, they ran in the water.

pirate

3. Growing up strange, I believed that everyone had dreams of telephone poles, of the crackling pop of black wires. The piercing sound that went with them would wrap itself deep within my heart, a thin wire cry that tightened around my ankles and wrists every time my father hit my mother. Dusk a method of being, it helped me dispense with personality. Volatile lately, because I don’t know how to tell someone how to be a support beam, a stationary wall moving in love with me. Childhood never prepared me for faith, that was the story of the monster under the bed, something told only to children on the television machine. Recently, my body has changed, liquefying into a spikier shape. Last week or the week before, I broke a bottle at someone in a bar. There was a chance meeting, his suit ill-fitting. He asked me how I was, and newly holding the jagged mouth of the bottle in my right hand, I told them in a dead voice to ask me again.

pirate

I’m always posting partial thoughts.

I have just stumbled across some utterly unbelievable pictures. Thank you Nikkyboy, you’re fabulous. Why didn’t you tell me??

Jesus.

Right, well. I did have something to say but it’s been utterly wiped from my brain. Now I’m back to the fingertrap pondering of relationships, trying to find in myself the endless young girl snakeskin shedding of this belief for that.

See, I know I have a problem. I’m aware of quandary and fire, that salt tears erode spirit faster than the weather in winter. It’s all old news, a headline that travels back farther than my family name. Simply put, I love a man who doesn’t love me back, not in any optimistic way, not with any modicum of respect, not enough. This is a star misalignment of being and need. My make-up requires more care than they give me, my building blocks want and they scream at me, going catatonic with infuriating logic, if he wants a whore, he should have hired one, it’s not like he bloody well isn’t a hell damned slut, not that I even know who’s he’s fucking or that he’d tell me, but see, here’s the kicker – I can’t make it matter. Something’s wrong with me.

He’s just a man, flesh and bone like the rest of them, two eyes to see me as something less than I am, two lips from which to fall back-pedaling excuses, but in some intrinsic way, he’s caught in me. He is my sweetest lapse of sanity. To me he smells like rain and tastes like the crackle of an endless static pattern, no matter how he hurts me in his selfishness. It hasn’t been relevant that with/out him I’ve been dying. With my heart, my health has taken a dive, the two tied together in an uncomfortable treaty. I fall now, dizzy from being unable to care for myself, and my eyes can’t close at night without filling with sky, not a beautiful twilight filled with glittering wonder, but a particularly empty span, lending no reason to move in any direction.

All Hallows Costumes

Well – I finally know what I’m going to be for All Hallows this year. I’ve been frantically hating myself for my stunning lack of creativity. I’m too adapted to sitting in a basement without human contact to actually THINK anymore. It’s scary.

Anyhoo – my happy thought, together will m’love, is this.

I will be Love, and he will be Lust.

I’m really enjoying the ideas that swirl around this pairing. Lust/Love; Sex/Death; Want/Need.

Something scarlet, and perhaps in raw silk. I’ve already created part of his costume. He’s going to be done up sexy. *happygirl* I’ve started on his costume already. Shimmery, translucent shirt, in red and black. I’ve still to get fabric to make his pants. I’m still uncertain what My dress is to look like. Something sweet, yet regal? I’ve asked a brilliant genius artist friend to hhelp, as I cannot draw well to save a life. (I wonder if I can still paint…)

I’m to have a slim volume of sweet poetry tied to my wrist, he is to have red fuzzy handcuffs.

It’s going to be FUN.

Meme – ories

Today whilst wandering the forgotten realms of old disks, I came upon an old hyperlink poetry page I used to have. Strange to find again old soulpourings about people I haven’t seen in years.

Looking through these old files, I realize that all these precious insights, these understandings that kept me warm at night – they are nothing now, no matter how true they might have been. Frozen crystals of clarity that have been glazed over with a patina of disuse.

I’ve recently become obsessed with an old relationship I was in. I’ve been wondering if I remember it the way it was or has my mind twisted it somehow to romantisize what I now wish it was? It doesn’t help that it was one of those dances that you can’t pin down at the time. Can’t impale like a butterfly onto a board. The steps can’t be studied, nor the movements compared to other pieces of random grace. I remember wishing to stab the beauty and preserve it, if dead.

It’s the weather.

This oppresive mix of heat and sky and cloud.

Yes

I haven’t slept, it’s eleven now. I am taking your shirt with me when I go, so I will have something to carry with me.

I cut myself recreating the heart. I put a nail right through my thumb. Almost enough blood to write with, but not quite.

I think I would like to be your crawlspace. I want to be that. That place between. Between breath and breathing. Between thighs where you store old paintings and furniture nobody uses anymore. I want a chance to come back for you. I feel like today is the day that you and I first meet in another world of circumstance.

Taking little sugary pills to prevent contraception. Strange sometimes to think about. I feel now that the inside of my head is gray. Sometimes now, I want a child. Clocks ticking.

The noon alarm you set for me would not have gone off. The first day of spring again I suppose. You’d forgotten to remove the block from between the bells. No matter. I don’t believe I was meant to sleep today. I picture you in the sun, hair caught and played with by the wind coming off the water. There is green, though placing you seems difficult. I could put you anywhere. A flash of you climbing above me at the sandcliffs, wet, heavy sand caught clinging to the cuffs of your red jeans and filling your shoes. Laughter as you turn to help me and smiling as we both slip. It
can’t happen, could never happen. They’ve shored it up, my slippery cliff slope is gone, terraced out of existence, but I can still see you in the moonlight. Above me in a moment from years ago. A night with you that you likely spent sitting up, with no wisp of this inside you. Enjoying the fine summer night a million miles and half a city away. But I can see you(underlined). A night by the fire we never had.

Between spaces, darkness between stars, windowsills, I could take a memory and put you in it, between fantasy and reality. Your hand (want to add the word forever here) under a dark sky and a half waning moon.