when he is gone, I feel alright about nibbling on the corners of his food at 2 a.m.

Heinrich Kley
Heinrich Kley

A triff trailer mash-up that hurts in only the good ways, Toy Story 2: REQUIEM.
&nbsp &nbsp link thankfully appropriated from Andrew.

Relaxed, she stands at the bus-stop. Watches a man exit backward, pulling a small wire basket full of fake red flowers, wonders briefly what they are for. A book is folded under her left hand. Her right hand has already fumbled in her coat pocket and found her bus-pass. She’s going to be on time for work with fifteen minutes to spare. She’ll open the store early, she decides, instead of waiting.

In her mind are tiny snippets of conversation caught like film stills fighting against a projector. Nothing stays very fixed, it all moves too fast for words to bind. Outside there is blue sky, her eyes blandly track a cloud as it intersects with an airplane contrail. Seizures, that’s what her thinking can be like. Feelings overcoming her body, twisting her lips or her hands into a smile. Remembering when he kissed her, her eyes warmly close and open again. Curious if anyone else is doing the same, she scans the other faces on the bus. No one interesting today. A cluster of yoga clothing imitators, some people going to work, a couple in the back discussing a television series. Someone is reading a paperback novel but the cover looks too glossy, the book looks too thick. It’s an incarnation of the dime-store novel, the summer blockbuster hit parade. Empty calories and too much talk about weapon specifics.

Her key in the new lock turns harshly. In spite of the extra filing when she replaced the lock with the hardware store clerk, there is still something uneven. An expected alarm sounds when she opens the door, a warning keen, piercing but still quiet. Enough to tell the wrong person that they’ve made a mistake. She half trips on a newspaper someone kindly slid under the door earlier in the morning and pulls the CLOSED sign to OPEN. The useless paper and her bag are deposited on the glass topped counter while she wonders why she never seems to do any of these things in the same order. Some mornings the buttons stick on the alarm console and she has to talk to stoic sounding security people on the phone. She smiles nervously when she does it, knowing she doesn’t have the passwords and not sure if she should care.

Heinrich Kley
Heinrich Kley

A combination of coupled enzymes to construct a simple circuit in which enzymatic reactions correspond to logic operations.
&nbsp &nbsp link cruelly wrenched from the bosom of darling Warren.

My housemate, Graham, is away right now, up with his family, clustering around his grandmothers death. He says in his journal that he got to say to her the things he needed to say before she left. I’m glad for that through the commiserative sadness, though I keep a narrow sliver of being unable to relate. I know when my remaining grandmother goes, it will be barely a family affair. My mother and I will stare at the ceiling a bit, covered with the inevitable and distinctive blanket of pondering about immortality that every death brings. My brothers will ask if we’ve inherited anything and we will ask my mothers sister, Reine, who will be far more affected, the one in charge of all the necessary arrangements that accompany a death. She will tell us of something small that may come our way. Tacky jewelry from her shops, maybe, or an inappropriate coffee-table. Then it will be done. If we were the sort for annals, her passing would be the year of nothing in particular. All the known history in her head is either commonplace or inaccessible. Her drop in the sea has no flavour to leave and savor.

I like how Graham talks about his family. They seem to be a unit, a partition of people that all carry more than just a name together.

not what I thought I’d do



Originally uploaded by Foxtongue.

Charity Larson’s put up another lovely page of Busted Wonder.

Hands like sand falling through water, a smile too of something the same. Eyes that scratch the ceiling of shyness, colour storm-skirting the edges of decency. Laughter of coffee, small movements ducking the head away. Laughter of hiding like inside a box of perfectly warped glass. Hanging a shot to dry between the lips, watching wrist to elbow, it’s recalled in an instant, the taste of soft intimacy holding hands with polished copper, the mix of colours, the white cream roses cloudily blooming in clear licorice alcohol. Lightning and thunder, the gravity hand of wind in the basement, part of later, not yet.

Pick up the gift, make the liquid vanish. Magic tricks, sleight of nothing up my sleeve. Everything will be alright. A toast to sitting here, a toast to being alive and smiling.

I joined a gamelan earlier, helped them carry heavy instruments to a waiting truck behind the Museum of Anthropology. I joined a lesbian burlesque troop the day before and scheduled the day I begin my fencing lessons.

Now Mondays are Korean Movie Night, Tuesdays are Gamelan, Wednesday will be Ghost In The Shell until we’re done, Thursday have fencing, and Fridays will be the Funk-Motown night starting March 3th at the Waldorf, (the day a group of us are going to watch NightWatch on opening night, want to come?). Suddenly I’m having to peer around corners to find time for taxidermy. Unexpected, this shift of personal physics. I feel domestic, tamed.

Here’s a trailer for Harry Kim’s still-in-progress Dave Choe documentary.

we stayed up late but were nourished by light in the gloom.

)when what hugs stopping earth than silent is
more silent than more than much more is or
total sun oceaning than any this
tear jumping from each most least eye of star

and without was if minus and shall be
immeasurable happenless unnow
shuts more than open could that every tree
or than all life more death begins to grow

end’s ending then these dolls of joy and grief
these recent memories of future dream
these perhaps who have lost their shadows if
which did not do the losing spectres mime

until out of merely not nothing comes
only one snowflake(and we speak our names

e.e. cummings

Not ten minutes ago, I was woken up in the Waldorf Tiki Polynesian Lounge by unfamiliar staff members nervously peering over me. “How did you get in here? Where did you come from?” I answered them with an amazing string of surprised expletives and shook Kyle awake, at which point they sighed with relief. At first they hadn’t seen Kyle, because he’d curled up under all my wool hair, snuggled in like a bunny. All they’d seen were two kids, mysteriously asleep in their hotel, with clothing and miscellany scattered all over the ballroom floor.

My life, on occasion, is surprisingly perfect.

If, by some mystical chance, there were no rumours before, now they shall be flying on the wings of crows and angels, fluttering from mouth to mouth through that hotel as fire and laughter.

Written Thursday, February 24th, 2005: “Take comfort that some of the fear is mutual. We are savage flowers, bleeding at the roots, utterly convincing.”

the wall I’m waiting for

580587lo

Four Years

The smell of him went soon
from all his shirts.
I sent them for jumble,
and the sweaters and suits.
The shoes
held more of him; he was printed
into his shoes. I did not burn
or throw or give them away.
Time has denatured them now.

Nothing left.
There will never be
a hair of his in a comb.
But I want to believe
that in the shifting housedust
minute presences still drift:
an eyelash,
a hard crescent cut from a fingernail,
that sometimes
between the folds of a curtain
or the covers of a book
I touch
a flake of his skin.

-Pamela Gillilan.

he wants to run his fingers through my hair but he doesn’t call

Ice-skating’s at 8pm this evening at the 6-Rinks in Burnaby.

I’m cleaning my room. Ryan‘s things are unprotected, the consequence is boxes. There’s the idea floating about that we’ll see him more once he’s officially moved out, but no matter that, we’ll see far more of my floor. The perpetual pile of fabric that’s been living in front of my closet will have evaporated into the now empty drawers. This tightrope act of practically living tidily will collapse out of illusion and into reality. When the lady is sawed in half, this time there will be screaming. Think gore, think the horrible wail of a vacuum cleaner.

E3 conference banned “booth bunnies” at upcoming shows
Man trips, destroys ming dynasty.
UK phone company has Tom Baker read text messages sent to landline messages.

Part of my week in pictures:

IMG_0582hard at work

tough like candy nailsyes, and?

she's so very tim burtoncuddlewhat I imagine babies look like in the womb

  • In a glaring contradiction of new federal policy, the new face of Homeland Security seem to be animal-human hybrids.
  • Ashes and Snow will be on view in Santa Monica, from Jan 14 to May 14, 2006. I want to go.

    [pj harvey – water]
    Now the water to my ankles
    Now the water to my knees
    Think of him all waxy wings
    Melted down into the sea
    Mary, Mary what your man said
    Washing it all over my head
    Mary, Mary hold on tightly
    Over water
    Under the sea

    Ashes and Snow
    &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Gregory Colbert has updated his website. &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Remember to breathe.

    I’m so sorry there are not more angels. That there are not more years for grace.

    I’m sorry I don’t have words for what I feel I want to say.

    This is a universal thing, I know, but it brings us down every time.

    May you have time to give everything you still have to say to the family you’ve made.

    You have my deepest sympathies for your sorrow.

    This isn’t enough, but I don’t know how to play the song that needs singing.

    it’s too late at night for harmony

    Hey mister, are you in a hurry?
    I have this package, it needs to be delivered.
    It’s a matter of life and death.

    In the event of an emergency,
    we ask you to please remember to
    keep both hands within the safety zone.

    It was a dozen roses
    I did not know what to do with.
    So I hung them in the kitchen
    until they dried into powder.

    Please believe me.
    This manuscript is the one
    that will change my career.

    On transit, she watched faces.
    Tired to find someone to talk to.
    Sometimes she would smile if
    they were reading a book.

    Seems the way, the solution
    to finding the melody
    is right in front of you.
    It’s called sheet music.

    She sings swing low sweet chariot
    when she’s shopping for cotton.

    You don’t cry enough.

    In his dreams he is a doctor.
    He had no business in the hospital.
    It was an accident he cut you.

    The color of leaves falling
    is such a cliché
    it’s a wonder the trees
    don’t die of shame.

    My lover used to be mythical,
    I found him in the pages of a book.
    Shame when he met me
    I wasn’t pretty enough.

    The clerk at the shop with the
    healing crystals has too much acne.
    Obviously, she never listens to
    the right kind of music.

    Chapter one is brilliant.
    It reads like a phone call between
    Einstein and someone who
    grew up poor in New York.

    She walks on the outside of the curb
    and tells him it’s so if there’s an accident
    she’ll get hit first.

    Dear, you don’t understand.
    I need to learn these lines by tomorrow.
    If I don’t, I’ll be fired.

    The moral majority has
    declared that you’ve stepped too far
    This time we expect you
    to relinquish your relationship
    with the child.

    Prosthetics are too expensive.
    Your eyes are beautiful just the way they are.
    Plastic can’t replace liquid honey.

    My troubles with gods began
    when I was very young.
    I found a book in a hotel drawer
    read it and thought it was poor fiction.
    No one alive could believe that.

    He just kept repeating
    the same haunted phrase over and
    over “Please yellow bird.”

    The mayor claimed it was for
    liberty and honour
    that he cut the ribbon on the bridge.
    Really, it was so he could drive to work
    ten minutes faster.

    You lied but I would still marry you.

    Skin as soft as gentle spring rain,
    that’s what it was going to be covered in.
    Leather like butter, like a naked
    teenager with no self control.

    The postcard of San Francisco
    arrived with no name so he left it
    on top of the stove
    and forgot.

    You are pensive and often melancholy.
    You are everything the internet tells you
    except you don’t need viagra.

    I wanted hexadactyly when I was little.
    My girlfriend wanted a baby.
    We split the difference and sewed our
    mouths together with red surgical string.

    Grandfather claimed that
    junk food was communism,
    fine in moderation but
    not the a way to win the war.

    These wings of balsa wood may
    be too thin to hold my weight
    If you want, you can have the cat.





    kissing’s for fictional weekends


    two well dressed boys
    Originally uploaded by Foxtongue.

    Nudity invalidates marriage.

    &nbsp I forget the generation gaps in behavioral intimacy. I am lucky in people, they put up with my unusual etiquette. “What planet are you from?” I remember that. Raised away, brought away, none of it mattered until a star fell into me and smoldered there. Ah, yes. This matters, this is language. I speak it differently. I forget. I don’t repent. That would imply that I am contrite to such a degree that I am willing to change behavior basic to me, but no. I am merely sorry. “It’s been such a bad year.” How do I explain discarded? Everything believed in, shed as ruined unwanted skin. A strange theory of relativity twined with honour like snakes on a caduceus stick. What I mean, that everything’s been burned up. The light flared up and devoured everything that used to understand these ripples of meaning. Now I’m learning from scratch. What I know is simple but not inherent.

    &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Click into shiva system. Welcome to paradise. We are now downloading a version of eden compatible with your system. Any delays are due to the complexity of chakra recognition. Please ignore the tingle you may feel in your third eye. The karma wheel corporation ensures that your stay will be fulfilling. We apologize for your previous life.
    &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp If you have troubles accessing your pineal gland, stay on the line, open yourself to guidance, and you will be spiritually connected to a qualified elemental who will appear to assist you. This may take up to three days of personal growth.
    *

    &nbsp Hands like electric lights are not bright enough. I require fire to invite me back to the encampment. Until then, books will do. They’re the one armored thing I can carry without burden. I do not bend under the weight of scientific knowledge, only need. See then what I leave behind to continue. Skills, the charming impotent vision of memory. That television perfect embrace. How he startled when he saw I was there. How he startled when I announced our engagement to the room. The day when I opened my in-box to three deaths. The things found in a heap some time last spring.

    *I carry special thanks in me that I found no-one I knew in that entirely beautiful compilation of photographs.

    turn the lights down low, it’s just it makes me feel like I’m in a spaceship

    I want an end to my unpredictable crying.

    The air is full of tiny birds, wings fluttering too quickly. The tips of them are creaking against the stress like lungs choked with down. A cough and they scatter. There’s nothing to show where they were. Wind does not keep drawn lines, the beloved parabola exists only in our minds as a memory.

    Unrelated: walking across a field, a thick flock of seagulls let me walk into the middle of them before taking up into flight and circling me perfectly. How callous I am, I thought, that I have too much science in me to experience this as a holy sign. Instead, I understand the way flocks stay together, what leads them, guides them. I know how to spot the lead bird. I’m not fool enough to pray.

  • Prove Christ exists, judge orders priest.

    I didn’t sleep from Saturday until noon Sunday. I have done more clever things than argue the socio-technological implications of ancient politics and family units until the sun has risen, it’s true, but I was in excellent company and the sun always rises.

  • Stardust capsule lands with comet dust sample.

    Now you’re gone, leaving echoes of somewhere I used to feel at home. You walked away and I felt such a pain shoot through me, as if there was no such thing as mercy. I know you’re trying and that gladdens me a little, it seems a better place for us than that dire muck of misery that you’d put me in so carefully. I’m scared that when I see her, this her you’ve written about but carefully did not mention, she’ll be wearing something I gave you or I’ll have to see you love her. As serious as rain, it’s the only thing I can think of that could continue to ruin me. It’s stupid because I’m grown enough I should know better. I insist on it. I should be a better stone. You don’t know what to do with me. I hand you the pulsing ball that drives my blood and you drop it. I fall apart inside.

    Delightfully, I had some especially kind partners on the floor to distract me last night, the sort where we take hands and whirl into something highly inappropriate for industrial music. Liam teaches me swing dances, for example, and Jonathan tangos with me in his kilt and big stompy boots. It’s gleeful when he lifts me up above his head and spins. I can feel him laugh through the music. (Note to self, call the man already). See, I’m everything shy of vices, so dancing is one of my only ways to salve this years constant and irritating sense of loss. I feel like I hang myself from my bones and when I move, it might even be with a heavy sort of elegance. Every twist of joint a kindness, a violent whispered argument in the dark behind my closed eyes, sounding like lovers who don’t want to wake the neighbors.

  • Male birth control pill soon a reality.

    Course, my body feels like holy retribution today. Everything aches and spasms. Walking without limping has been a proven impossibility that I’m counting on a deadly hot shower to repair. In fact, I think that’s the next step. Hooray for adventure.

  • Warren’s graphic novel FELL #1 online for free.

  • tell it from the mountain of books that has just fallen on me

  • Data Mining 101: Finding Subversives with Amazon Wishlists

    Whittling my bookshelf down is difficult. It’s a heartless occupation for me, throwing out worn books. They threaten me with undefined guilt that changes my perspective on what’s between the covers. The minute I reach out my hand to pluck something from the shelf, it’s like I’m being subtly affected by a villainous mind-ray from an old radio-play. “Well, this one wasn’t as bad as all that, was it?” I’m having to use my potential time on transit as my gunpoint. If I can’t pick it off the shelf at random when I need something to read or recommend the author to a stranger, then I should discard it. Get it out of my room, out of my life, to where it might prove useful for someone else’s future summer afternoon. Unexpectedly, the speculative fiction section is proving about as hard a bitch as the out-dated medical texts.

    Tossing out old clothes, however, not so hard.

    Which is almost a problem.

    Now I can’t find any long sleeve shirts.

    I promised to duet tomorrow at the strangely awesome Veteran Hall Karaoke night, (remember, doff your hat to the Queen or be kicked out), so now my playlist consists of only two songs; Tom Jones with the Cardigans singing Burning Down the House, because it’s something that Bob and I both know, and The Pogues Fairytale of New York because my invisible roommate Ryan is a romantic bastard.

    So how many of you have seen the Has President Bush Finally Bit It (let’s all sing impeachment) poll that’s up on MSNBC at the moment? I’ve been checking on it every few days to marvel at the numbers. Last look in, votes were at 203923 responses, (!!), with an 86% of Yes, Most Assuredly, Kill Pussycat Kill Kill. It’s giving me a bit of hope that otherwise I wouldn’t have what with stupid laws declaring annoying someone anonymously over the internet is now a federal crime. What we need are genetically engineered politicians who explode if they lie. Ka-blam and pink splatter everywhere, like an extremely wet ticker tape parade celebrating democracy the way it should be.

  • The Edge Annual Question 2006: “What Is Your Dangerous Idea?”