I’m always posting partial thoughts.

I have just stumbled across some utterly unbelievable pictures. Thank you Nikkyboy, you’re fabulous. Why didn’t you tell me??

Jesus.

Right, well. I did have something to say but it’s been utterly wiped from my brain. Now I’m back to the fingertrap pondering of relationships, trying to find in myself the endless young girl snakeskin shedding of this belief for that.

See, I know I have a problem. I’m aware of quandary and fire, that salt tears erode spirit faster than the weather in winter. It’s all old news, a headline that travels back farther than my family name. Simply put, I love a man who doesn’t love me back, not in any optimistic way, not with any modicum of respect, not enough. This is a star misalignment of being and need. My make-up requires more care than they give me, my building blocks want and they scream at me, going catatonic with infuriating logic, if he wants a whore, he should have hired one, it’s not like he bloody well isn’t a hell damned slut, not that I even know who’s he’s fucking or that he’d tell me, but see, here’s the kicker – I can’t make it matter. Something’s wrong with me.

He’s just a man, flesh and bone like the rest of them, two eyes to see me as something less than I am, two lips from which to fall back-pedaling excuses, but in some intrinsic way, he’s caught in me. He is my sweetest lapse of sanity. To me he smells like rain and tastes like the crackle of an endless static pattern, no matter how he hurts me in his selfishness. It hasn’t been relevant that with/out him I’ve been dying. With my heart, my health has taken a dive, the two tied together in an uncomfortable treaty. I fall now, dizzy from being unable to care for myself, and my eyes can’t close at night without filling with sky, not a beautiful twilight filled with glittering wonder, but a particularly empty span, lending no reason to move in any direction.

wrapped in the warmth of you

I rediscovered an artist the other day through a boingboing posting and decided that this time around, I simply had to remember to share. His name is Dave Devries and he creates rich realistic paintings based on the scrawled drawings of monsters that children draw. There’s a certain beauty in them that captures a little sense of something ethereal and creepy. It only takes a minute, go give it a look.

In other news, dolphins have taken the next step toward being worshiped as gods by the New Age crowd by carefully crafting situations where they will be found using tools, proof evinced. This is extra good timing on their side, as just this week we’ve learned to breathe underwater as fish do.

However, they have not managed to make the useful as sexy sleek as Tsaya has. They make strap on wallets that look as if they were designed with an everyone-wearing-black mexican stand-off in mind that involves cell phones instead of guns. The idea is to replace the handbag with something you can wear and be active in. A pity, I think, that so far it’s only made of black patent leather, though I’m certain that has it’s own built in market.

Speaking of design, actually, I found that Dream Designs, the place I had my interview at, has a website. I highly recommend giving them a decco if you’re looking for quality fabrics. As part of my interview, I asked what their policy was on corporate consumption and confirmed my suspicion that they’re firm supporters of organic and natural products, a stance that only bolsters the respect I had for the company. I sincerely hope there’s a strong possibility that I get a chance at this. To work what I call ‘a real job’ in a place where my skills fit and I have the opportunity to continue learning, it would be such a gift. Theater became tiresome, too many egos. The networking was an aspect I didn’t mind so much, but the petty things that one had to remind oneself of constantly were wearing. This is a small city. This actress loathes that director who dislikes that actor who won’t work with this costumer who’s dating the first woman mentioned. Reliable employment, full time, is exactly what I want.

I’m feeling a little snow-blind lately. My week has been flurries of shredded newspaper information and I’m finding now that it’s becoming hard to keep track of who has read what into my incruental sacrifices.

Curiosity, does anyone know who this artist is?

actually damned impressively me

I went to bed with light in the sky. Then the phone rang. It’s still early morning, but I answer the phone. The Crown has dropped all charges laid against me.

I’m free. No finger-printing, no crim charges. Dance Dance Immolation.

Also, I’ve a job interview this evening at Dream Designs, a delightful interior decorating shop that’s only a few blocks from my house.

This just might be the best news since a possible breach of contract was the only thing what marked my birthday.

To celebrate, here’s a piece that Nicholas wrote that is pure Jhayne-mockery: Strawberry Sickness.

Serves me right for letting these people into my house.

I’m leaving pictures until Andrew returns from the East Coast. This has been a run of bad timing Saturdays, everyone’s been busy. It doesn’t help either that I’ve been too preoccupied with the ridiculous packets of stress that have been landing on me to kick anyone’s asses. Of late, there’s only been varying degrees of more and more.

I still have to write my letter to Bill offering the baby cradle that’s taken up residence in my home.

there’s a narrative with the pictures too, because I’m like that

Yesterday was spent in the Emergency Ward. It didn’t start there. First, I was home, waiting on laundry and having tea with Tyler. Chris had been with us earlier, but he was angry with the world that day and left to save us his company. We were concerned, but not overly. Not until the phone rang. It was Chris.

He said, “Hello,” and it sounded like panic. I quietly turned to Tyler and said, “Get your shoes, get your coat on, I’m going to need my things, we’re leaving.” Chris said there was blood everywhere, that he’d done something stupid. “Breathe boy, tell me what you did.” Seems that in his distracted growling at the world, he’d gashed himself. “Do you want me to take you to the hospital for stitches? Do you want me to put some in? Tell me what you want.” He was mostly inarticulate, “Um, well, there’s a lot of blood.”

It was decided that I would go alone and approaching the house, I wondered briefly at the wisdom of this. What if I had to break in? He might be half conscious in a widening red pool. By the sound of things, he’d hit veins. Instead, I was greeted at the door by an abashedly blood smeared boy, right hand awkwardly wrapped in a black t-shirt that was already visibly soaking through. There was a pile of glass rubble on his computer keyboard and more piled in front of his monitor. In spite of the obvious effort he’d put into cleaning, there were still daubs of blood on the floor inferring where it had splashed earlier.

My first impulse was to re-bandage the hand and then sweep up the glass, but Chris pulled me aside, asking me instead to sit on the couch with him. He then poured out everything as to why he’d been angry and what he’d done to hurt himself. Nothing that particularly bears repeating. He’d been frustrated, furious some, and had smashed his glass into the desk. Also, by default, his hand. Not the most clever of moments, he conceded, and I finally had a chance to peel off the sodden t-shirt he’d wrapped himself in. It was a mess. His hand welled with blood in three or four places, the worst cut on his thumb. The lacerations on his fingers were bad, but that was dexterous hand turned to meat, swollen and requiring three or four stitches. Six altogether, I guessed. The smell of iron was thick on us, enough to set my stomach to starving. I demanded scissors and cloth. I cut strips from an old cotton shirt, and bound his hand properly, pressing apportioned pieces of flesh back together and slipping a pad underneath to keep pressure steadily on. My hands were red to the wrist.

I licked my fingers and laughed.

Angus was on the street outside, half a block away, talking with friends. We were grinning as if we were mad when we talked to him. We said we were on the way to the hospital and not to worry. His face lit from within with “Fuck you, I love you.” and then we ran into Keely on the Skytrain platform, who straight up laughed. We were just as guilty, taking a delightful take on the entire proceedings. There wasn’t a line at the hospital. They asked the usual questions, “Do you have an emergency contact? What’s your middle name?” and had us follow a yellow line down some twisting hallways to another waiting room. They put Chris on a bed within ten minutes, though we had to wait closer to twenty before a doctor came. We unwrapped my make-shift bandages and I sponged up the blood as he looked over it. The doctor was incredibly kind, I’m sorry I don’t have his name. He tutted, glad of my cloths and wincing a little as he injected freezing, which sprayed. Chris lay down, unable to bear seeing the needles, and listened to the man who was talking on the other side of the curtain that was next to us. Words came through the green cloth that were like scripted eco-friendly motivated poetry. The man sounded so kind that it was charming. He actually used the phrase, “Bless your kind heart.” to a nurse.

For the stitches themselves, well…

I took pictures.

the trick is to convince yourself that you saw what you wanted to see

the correct answer is (C)

I’m waiting in harmony. Skinning my relationships down to ‘crave the flesh, crave the affection’, hasn’t been working. I’m still caught in the web of words and desires without boundary. Fingernails against the glass. He sat there, I sat here. It’s something to do, you know?

He’d point me in the right direction but give me an extra turn so he could laugh later over his hourly shot at the bar. Last time we went in together, he held my hand, put his lips by my ear and whispered delicacies as he stole my key passwords. That he talked dirty later wasn’t enough of an apology. This time my fingers slip lower than he intended. I touch fine wires of hair. This time it’s a little war.

I’m considering making PostSecret cards and plastering part of my wall with them. These white walls are nice for photography, but I’m feeling recently that I can’t get myself together enough for what I want. I used to make boxes, a few years ago. Black things, enameled like a carapace, that opened to red and the velvet taste of kisses. They were full of twisted silver, little jet beads and embroidered poetry. I made my last one for my ex, right before things went bad. It’s summertime, I’m thinking of starting up again, but I’ve given away my materials. If anyone has a cigar box, one of the old wood ones from Cuba, if you would be kind enough to drop it my way, that would be a kindness. I don’t know where to get them anymore.

My neighbor called. I think she heard the screaming. I told her it was a lunatic outside yelling at a whore. It happens here. She was mollified and hung up the phone. This is my world, I thought. Tired from tying my lover down, he struggled more than thought he would, I only wanted to lie down and rest, but I couldn’t. He was still awake yet, and that would be rude.

My toe-nails are still chipping red. I’m in lime green and black, dressed right for an old apple convention. My hair is a blood rainbow with black purple at the bottom cascading down from brightest gold. I can’t explain how appropriately dressed I feel for something that’s not happening. Every step I’ve taken today has been back to my computer, not toward anything.

It edges against sacrilege as heavily as the skirts piled against her waist, she’s thinking. Arthur’s head is between her thighs, almost invisible in the gentle moonlight, and in spite of it, her mind is elsewhere. When her eyes roll back, it’s not he husband she sees, nor even her lover anymore. The attractive armor of the knights had grown dull, scratched by the daily wear of routine. After the most honourable light in the court became hers, it all lost lustre. There was no challenge anymore. She laughs to herself, “Who knew being Queen could be outre?”. So now she dreams of a boy she met in the forest. His vows are to be silent, to worship until the priest declares him one of the brotherhood. Instead, she goes to him and he screams for his thorned father to forgive him and he grinds her hips into the ground.

little girl smiles when the lights go rushing in


2005-04_Shoah_Autodafé_002
Originally uploaded by decembre.

Mike Rae, the comic-shop manager, just called. Out of nowhere he’s taking me to a premier opening of the new Miyazaki film, Howl’s Moving Castle. There’s to be a reception dinner party at Wild Ginger, the William Gibson-esque restaurant that I’m planning on addicting everyone to. attention townies: it’s one of your best kept secrets. This will result in my being a weensy bit late for my party at Chris’ place, (1530 E Broadway, knock on any windows on the left side), but not enough to be bothersome.

love like that



Destroying her thoughts, he’s a virus ravaging her mind. Across her brain the chemicals shift, wanting turns to desire to need to pour from her lips in a long drawn out sigh. Her hands reach for him to pull him in, meeting nothing but her own flesh. He’s telling her he’s lifting her, a chalice for his lips to drink from.

A vision of sweetest grace, she arches.

He’s telling her everything she never thought to think of, never thought to want. Her nails biting into her shoulder, she can hear him breathing to match the bee-sting flicker of his tongue. It’s surrender, it’s naked, it’s every secret spilling from the most tender of lips.

“Tell me now what you sound like”
“My voice is soft like my skin”
“Tell me now what you crave”
“You, here, with me.”

He takes her hair and threads it through his fingers, it’s silk, it’s sweet. If he closes his eyes, he’ll not see her words, but he can taste them now. Roll them on his tongue, she takes everything made of voice. She’s so beautiful, her fingers at her mouth make him quiver like a slick poison is taking over. It’s like his palace coming down. It’s like she lives beneath his skin.

“Kiss me”

And their fingers touch the glass.