Sometimes I wonder if I’m making the right decisions in my life. It’s a very rare thing for me to wonder, as I don’t tend to think about my motivations much, but today is one of those days. This is entirely the sort of crisp fall day that should be spent lying naked on the bed with a lover. Anything else is wrong. I know there are at least five people in town who would be more than happy if I were to pluck them from their lives and slot them into this place. I think, how horrible of them to offer me this. Sometimes I could almost hate them. Sometimes I agree that having my relationship in another city is odd. Sometimes I wonder if I’m not being a fool. I need to make some hot tea to go with the veritable pile of grapes I’ve got and run my toes down the back of a leg. Gently talking about nothing in particular, reading maybe, just lying in the sunlight together. We could both have books and be only part under the covers. Another day and I’ll go mad. It’s that time of month again. Could you tell? Red dripping lines like the oldest language, like lipsticks prints on the inside of my thigh. Curves and gravity of crimson driving me into desire. I’m not going to dare spend the night with anyone this week and I’ll be glad when it comes to dance. Saturday, saturday, saturday does not help me now. I’m craving affection like breathing, and hands, and touch, and cupping me right there like this, but with tongue. It’s blackness. I hate need. I can’t imagine what I’d do to someone if there were anyone to take this out on.
This day deserves more than I have.