Walking back to the empty apartment, wanting very badly to have somewhere to be, someone I’m to meet and spend time with. I don’t want to step back into my hollow life in a room where he breathed. Walking back, I remember this from last time. Saying goodbye only to run into him again and again in the corner of my eye. Cities are rife with long men. None with the right angle of head, none with the proper voice to call me out. I walked away smiling, though I turned around and watched his red backpack out of sight with the eyesting that closes the throat. I could feel it in my teeth when they got on the plane. Fingers on the rests when acceleration hit. A moment when boarding when he looked at his shoes on the gray plastic floor. Back of the brain hallucination maybe, but it pushed me into me like reality.
this part never gets any easier, does it
I had nothing to read on the way back and nothing to write with. The bookstore gave me Memoirs of a Geisha. Thoughts of Nikki tied in with it, the hot-tub, the flowers, bubbles and Her. Patterning for my female desires. Next staying summertime. An after the accident walking with a cane, staying in the front room, living at Johnathan’s house, with Mike Schaldemose and Carrie. Being with Bill and missing him. Fitting that I take it away from this. First patterning. First with a lot of things. Painter lover and just realizing last night that I was underage.