I’m celebrating by playing a vampire game where you wander around a chessboard city trying to find humans to eat. It’s sort of a depressing sort of celebration. The house is too hot, there’s no-one-line to chat with, my e-mail has been completely replied to – even the ones I’ve been slightly avoiding…
Those letters that clutter your in-box from people that for some reason or another, you’re not entirely certain you wish to remain in contact with. The guy at the party you exchanged e-mail addresses with a year ago whom you haven’t seen since who keeps pressuring you to go for coffee, the girl who’s a friend of a friend you were introduced to on-line who you’ve come to realize is so irritating in thier worldview that even chatting with them is like scraping the enamel off your teeth with a nail file, etcetera, ad nauseum. There’s harmless ones too, that continually are put off – simple letters between friends/aquaintences that you just can’t seem to get your mind together enough to reply to today, and today, and today, and today.
I have continual ideas that are smothered. Lack of funding, lack of friends. There’s a new gelato place on Main street, kittycorner to Heritage Hall. It has a sign shaped like an ice-cream cone with incomprehensibly connected messages floating on rings around the innerlit wafer. I tried to make meaning out of them and failed. Cross cultural referencing lacking a cohesive whole.
Sometimes I remember things and I suddenly see this little city around me in a new way. Everything shifts with the light. Small town traffic in a small town city. Endless nattering conversations about the same things. You know him who knows her that dated him, who ran off and slept with that guy who’s a friend of hers and the guy you know at the coffeeshop. Everyone here is so interconnected it’s impossible to meet somebody new.
I miss living in a real city.
Melting in this basement office space, I am dreaming of lightning. Of water, drenching and wet to fall torrential from the heavens. Blue turning to black to crash and thunder down.