I reset my alarm, but forgot to turn it back on after Ryan left. Silly me, I fail at mornings. I woke up though at exactly the right time, my door buzzer more persistent than my hollow lack of dreams. Outside the window was a courier truck. Michel has sent me more comic books, an odd thing to find out first thing in the morning. There’s also a Jesus Monkey Pants t-shirt, which I would wear today if it weren’t that I’ve got a job interview this afternoon at one o’clock. Thank you, dear, they’re much appreciated and maybe just what I need. When is good to call? I read the three Dreaming, Weird Romance, and it occurred to me that if I were a better person, more attuned to expectations, it would have struck me bitterly. As it was, I finished the three then got up for my shower, thinking only that it’s sad that he hasn’t called me. I wonder at myself, that there’s no explosion of hateful verbal diarrhea waiting, only a sadness too deep for me to reach bottom in that wants an explanation. Chris said something to me on Monday night that’s been stuck in my head, still quietly humming in my ears. We were talking about Amanda coming home, of what would happen, of an unknowable future. I said, “Dear, I understand. I am terrified of mine.” He replied, “Yes, but see, I like the person I’m in love with, so I’m merely scared.”
Day: August 17, 2005
I’m tired, you’re sick, we’re not sleeping, you haven’t called me yet
Rain is falling tonight, water against the windows sliding down into water on the street. It’s such a Vancouver evening, warm except for the chill of wet clothes. There was no one on the streets, cars absent, pedestrians a myth. I like the smell coming in from outside, it detaches me from time in a healthier way than my day to day wandering has been.
I forget how old I am a lot. On my knees, I asked your name. I asked for a moment, for a dream of needing me. Could you please, just one moment, do you see how pretty I can be? I saw you there, you put your hand on my shoulder as if you knew me. For the first time, I finally understood the meaning of having a name. Heaven was a place.
One way to look at tonight is that I was getting paid for my opinion. I was in a focus group on the upcoming mayoral election. Burrard street, they gave us sandwiches, little bits of carrot cake. Draw a picture of your perfect mayor, what do you think of this man’s politics? I was more of a force than I thought I would be. Youngest one there, but supplying everyone with words, vocabulary. He answered my questions particularly. What she said.
7:30 pm Thursday, we’re meeting at Tinseltown to watch The Aristocrats. (check out how the cast list never ends.)
shadowblue discovered tonight the Canadian Heraldic Authority. “Apparently it was established in 1988, and all you have to do to get one is send a proper letter and a biography of yourself to the Chief Herald of Canada. It’s all very interesting — corporations can get them, too. Canada’s the first Commonwealth country to get its own heraldic authority, apparently. When your petition is approved by the Chief Herald, they basically consult with you to come up with something good.” Governor General Adrienne Clarkson’s coat of arms is Gules a Chinese phoenix regarding a lightning flash and rising from flames issuant from a maple leaf the whole ensigned by a representation of the Royal Crown all Or. It would be delightful if a group of us drummed up a brainstorming session to create some ourselves.