Month: June 2005

flesh and blood are 90 points water


are watching
Originally uploaded by Foxtongue.

Andrea is taking July SinCity as conquest for her birthday. Her army is to be the Pantheon.

I am part of that army, as Eris Discordia.

If anyone has any ideas as to where to find tiny golden apples…?

Today I feel as if I’m procrastinating, though I can’t think of what I could be doing. My playlist is on random, my entire music folder shuffling back and forth between righteous piano and demo mixes for obscure bands that I feel sometimes like only I’ve heard of. It’s appropriate, somehow, melding well with the invariable sirens this neighborhood attracts, and it occurs to me on days like this, as I look out my window at blank rainy gray, to ponder if art is created more at night. Every painter I’ve ever lived with, every musician, all the illustrators I talk to on-line, they’re always up late at night, running themselves into the ground to finish something, to get that last detail just right. I imagine all the insomniacs creating beauty to fill up their time and their loneliness while the stars turn overhead.

Which reminds me, Chris wrote me something. In an odd way we wrote it together, much of it being pieces of my conversation, though he’s the one who put all the words on screenpaper. I want to actually try writing with someone, but I haven’t the first idea as to how one would go about that. Megan is having a blogprov week in her journal, and I’m tempted to do the same, just to throw me back into writing things down. (I gave her show me on the doll where the internet touched you as a seed line.)

Sunday afternoon is the Mad Hatters Tea Party. An event that I am continually trying to get involved with, only to be thwarted by life in general. Chaos raining down upon me as if I’m simply not fated to be an Alice In Wonderland Character. It’s at Trout Lake (15th and Victoria) from 1-4:30pm. I’m due at Jenn’s Last Sunday Tea in the morning and early afternoon, but this is where I’m going right after. (Come in Costume!) Sunday is also DriveFest, a neighborhood event where Commercial Drive is closed off for a few blocks. There’s going to be performers for hours and little kids wandering around with face-paint on. If we’re lucky, there will even be balloons. Commercial Drive is the only unified neighborhood in Vancouver, so this should be lots of fun. There’s been gentrification at work, but it’s still the artistic core of the city. (Come one, come all!)

sorry, not the same impact if sized down

found in the journal of nt by ed_dirt:

These were taken last week “south of Longview and west of Nanton” (about midway between Calgary and Lethbridge).

if you’re further interested in nifty cloud formations, you may want to look here and here. Also, a video of a tornado eating a house, general tornado damage videos.

I’m always posting partial thoughts.

I have just stumbled across some utterly unbelievable pictures. Thank you Nikkyboy, you’re fabulous. Why didn’t you tell me??

Jesus.

Right, well. I did have something to say but it’s been utterly wiped from my brain. Now I’m back to the fingertrap pondering of relationships, trying to find in myself the endless young girl snakeskin shedding of this belief for that.

See, I know I have a problem. I’m aware of quandary and fire, that salt tears erode spirit faster than the weather in winter. It’s all old news, a headline that travels back farther than my family name. Simply put, I love a man who doesn’t love me back, not in any optimistic way, not with any modicum of respect, not enough. This is a star misalignment of being and need. My make-up requires more care than they give me, my building blocks want and they scream at me, going catatonic with infuriating logic, if he wants a whore, he should have hired one, it’s not like he bloody well isn’t a hell damned slut, not that I even know who’s he’s fucking or that he’d tell me, but see, here’s the kicker – I can’t make it matter. Something’s wrong with me.

He’s just a man, flesh and bone like the rest of them, two eyes to see me as something less than I am, two lips from which to fall back-pedaling excuses, but in some intrinsic way, he’s caught in me. He is my sweetest lapse of sanity. To me he smells like rain and tastes like the crackle of an endless static pattern, no matter how he hurts me in his selfishness. It hasn’t been relevant that with/out him I’ve been dying. With my heart, my health has taken a dive, the two tied together in an uncomfortable treaty. I fall now, dizzy from being unable to care for myself, and my eyes can’t close at night without filling with sky, not a beautiful twilight filled with glittering wonder, but a particularly empty span, lending no reason to move in any direction.

society explains? someone help me ponder please

On-line, I rant less at people about how wonderful technology is, but I’ve been coming to an odd conclusion lately that I want to share; that language just might be devolving through the internet. I don’t mean so much words like WOOT coming into parlance, but that vocabulary is homogenizing. Meeting international friends has only added credence to this idea. No matter where in the world they are from, we are all speaking the same language.

I’m talking about expression through memetics, hyperbolic emphasis.

It’s like somehow we’re managing to slim down language to something that’s almost electronic gesture based, so non-specific that we’re reaching a plateau of zen communication that’s partially worrisome. The inflections that span oceans because we read the same news stories and know each other almost purely by interest have not been complex ideas. The common denominators are almost startlingly like a severe Californian infection once they’re noticed. Berkley as patient zero. Home culture barely impacts. We all say “like” and “yeah” smattered with the occasional “I win” acknowledgment of clever. We seem to be erasing language with porous words, as meaningless as the most commonly known word in the world, “okay”.

dee: “you’re like a slightly battered version of Erato”

suspician (noun): one who plays the oddly insidious music of the paranoiola

After brushing me teeth, I sat on a black couch and cut out stitches with the little scissors which live on my keychain. I think now that I quite badly want a little nurses hat. A nurses hat and white garter belt stockings.

That, however, is an aside.

Last night was Korean Movie Night, and it very insidiously blew me away. I suspect it cashed all of us in, actually. A Tale of Two Sisters is intense. The whole thing is lush, every shot a gift. A movie loosely based on a murder-revenge fairytale, it follows the life of a family in a delightfully morbid house. I don’t think I can explain. It was filmed with incalculable impact, seeming like a nightmare at times, but always progressively more logical in its unbelievable mental twists. Invariably, we found ourselves shouting, “Yes!”, when another piece of the puzzle was revealed. When the credits rolled, we yelled and howled and hugged each other. It was a victory. Just, really, go buy the damned thing.

Experts have discovered a previously unknown work by Johann Sebastian Bach in documents taken from a German library shortly before it was heavily damaged by fire.

A similar person with core differences that I’m uncertain how to express.

There was a star, and it burned me. Scorching my tongue, words bubbled hot inside of me. I looked out a window to something that wasn’t real. Internal and effigy, strange days have come upon these. I am frail.

There are many things I want to say, to write down and so excise them from my flesh into some sort of reality. “I love her, but I’ve told her, you fuck any of my friends, and it’s over.” I want to have a moment where I might find the disrespect to name my creatures, to throw down gauntlets of other people’s pain and simply write everything that’s been told to me. “He hasn’t worn the ring for two days.” This last piece of pulse time has been ridiculous, harsh in unexpected ways, and jabbing holes in my every piece of personality.

I left this city and came back changed.

My love has come back to me. It flew on hard wings, Icarus free and killing me.

I walk the earth
and leave footprints
like molehills
for experience to divide
into towering mountains

Dreaming time like memory.

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.

– Erica Jong

I always feel as if I can’t create, as if I bring nothing to the world. Then I meet someone who shines to me, a holy fallen thing of desire who sings to me with just a little glance of their eye, and I’m lost. I want to give them something with a smooth sweep of meaning. I start believing again in every little thing that I thought I’d forgotten, that I was certain was a fallacy dreamed up be a society that couldn’t find its own worth.

something to do in between sending out electronic bits of paper which tell employers that I’m nifty

Dee and pvck have tagged me in a music meme that’s having another stab at popularity. The idea is to list out your latest favourite tracks and then point the finger at five or six other people. As I happen to have put together a mix CD for Ellen, I’m going to post that instead.

01 – TV on the Radio – Desperate youth, blood thirsty babes – 02 – Staring at the Sun
02 – Emilie Simon – Graine D’étoiles
03 – Superphones – Deep Trip
04 – Johnny Boy – You are the generation that bought more shoes & u get what u deserve
05 – Electronic Excursions In Hi-Fi – 06 – Sway (Rip-Off Artist Remix)
06 – The Life Aquatic – Sigur Ros – Staralfur
07 – The White Stripes – Blue Orchid
08 – Secret Machines – 01 – First Wave Intact
09 – Future Bible Heros – 03 – Doris Daytheearthstoodstill
10 – Cornelius – Drop
11 – Revporl & Stuart Crozier – Dr Thirsty
12 – Wolf Parade – Dear Sons And Daughters Of Hungry Ghosts

bonus track: DJ Spaz remixing one of my attempts at spoken word.

If any of these run out of downloads, drop me a comment and I’ll refresh the link.