Day: May 27, 2005

As I am far too incapable of planning anything, birthday plans are as follows. I’m taking over Jenn‘s Sunday Tea and Chris‘ Monday Movie Night.

thenowhere posted my piece for her meme.

It makes me sad to talk to him on the phone. Everything I don’t have but need becomes apparent. Each word thuds into my heart. I’m reminded why I said No, why I said I Can’t Do This Anymore, while aching throughout for even a tablescrap crumb of affection. I lean into the receiver, trying to press myself closer to what hurts me, as if by curling up with the snake, it might become friendly and decide not to bite. I feel absurd. We get closer to Goodbye and my eyes grow hot. If there had been an explosion, a blooded kill of an end to us, I might be able to suspend this endless crumple as I hang up the phone. Instead he didn’t even understand until I asked for my keys back, until I demanded that he change something and pointed out how rather than put the effort in, he’d been coasting. Nothing less, I said, I can’t live like this.

When I went away, he was the only one who didn’t send a letter.