Day: May 14, 2005

I want to say I’m sorry, but I have no reason to. It’s just ingrained on the system chip like biblical stories in the midwest, plains of bitter recriminations because their god was too puritan for England and faith requires less discerned thinking that fact. I don’t know what I’m wanting, but I catch myself looking at my hands and marveling that these simple things come in so many shapes. I remember fingers with a slight nettle sting, I remember fingers that brushed my lips when I woke up in the morning. This morning actually, as if to off-set this delightful treat of a bloody summons to court, my lover chews my heart and spits pieces in my face. It’s a weakness, allowing him to continue to hold it. I’m doing my best to tear the connections off, sticky bubblegum thread by bubblegum thread, but it only takes one word to tie me up again. Smoke and mirrors solidifying around me, but then I’m told I’m vicious, that my words are ashes instead of fire and suddenly, like a switch has been flicked, yes, I remember why I walked away, why I felt that my waking moments had so far been a lie. I push my plate away from me, too sick to eat in spite of my stomach knawing itself out to my skin in acidic starving layers. I’m going to have ketone breath soon if I keep up this unhappy. Unable to keep anything down, unable to bring myself to taste anything but what this person used to be like on my tongue before I found out how they thought of me, how they didn’t understand the words I didn’t think I had to say.

Nicole: steel toed flip flops scream bad attitude, missy