………………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………,”-,,……………………………………………………..
…………………………………………../,….“~-,,……………………………………………….
…………………………………………,’,).“’–,,….`”””–,,………………………………………..
………………………………………./’…………“,-,-,,…“””–,,,……,–~~—~~==,……………
………………………………………””–,,………./,/……“’-,,,,./-~””`…………..,,,/`~—–,,,__…
……………………………………………..`”’’–,,…………..C’……………,/|”””“,….i…..i…..`).
…………………………__,,,,,,,,—–~~~””””””“““`–,,……./……………./..|…..\”¯¯,¯¯¯,¯¯¯”\
—-,,,,——~~~””””””””””…………………………………..“’-‘……………/`…/……,__,`__,,`,—-“
……………………………………………………………………………’…..’.…….`….i__I,,,–“..
……………………………………………………………………………………….)~¯~~–,……
…………………………………………………………………__…………………._,,,,,`,,,`–“…….
……………………………………………………,,,—-“””””””…..”””~~”””””””““¯¯………………
……………………………………..,,,,,—-“”””””…………………………………………………..
……………………….,,,,—-“”””””………………………………………………………………….
“”””——,,,,,,,—-“”””””……………………………………………………………………………….
…………………………………………………………………….Suicide is your only option
I love the kids in chat. This is the sort of things the better ones post.
Cancer
—
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
—
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
The police. Your entire family was killed in a car wreck.
—
So this guy walks into the doctor’s and says “Doctor, it hurts when I poke my leg like this.” The doctor says “Yes, you’ve shattered both your kneecaps. You’ll never walk again.”
—
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
GUSTAPO
—
How do you stop a clown from smiling?
Hit it with an axe.
—
What’s worse then finding a worm in your apple?
Being shot in the head
—
how do you make a mime yell?
throw a brick at his face.
—
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Cuz he died.
—
What did the hobo get for Christmas?
Nothing.
—
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken’s back.
—
Why was your eye itchy?
Because a spider layed its eggs in your head
—
Why did you feel unwell?
You had the plague
—
How are a plum and a rabbit alike?
They’re both purple, except for the rabbit.
—
What did Helen Keller name her dog?
oggkhknmfdsnkmnfdjznfj
—
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s a woman.
—
A man goes to a grocery store. While he is there, he buys:
bread
cheese
and milk.
So as he is checking out, getting ready to pay, the cashier says: “Hey, you’re single, aren’t you?”
The man is astonished. “Wow, that’s incredible. How did you know that?”
“You’re ugly.”
—
What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One holds groceries, the other molests children.
—
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: He didn’t. He got hit by a bus.
—
Q: What’s the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A: One is an edible substance and the other is a person who believes in Judaism.
—
Q: What happened to the elderly old man who liked to play tricks on children?
A: He was stoned to death.
—
Q: What did the florist do when she saw a child picking up a rubber ball outside her store?
A: She ran outside, kicked him in the ribs, and screamed maniacally until the police arrived to detain her.
—
What did Batman say to Robin to get him in the car?
Get in the car.
—
A little boy is going to school when he is stopped by a stranger.
The stranger tells the little boy, when his teacher asks him why he is late, just say willytop.
The boy looks at the stranger oddly, but proceeds to go to school.
He arrives 5 minutes late, and is teacher isn’t that happy. His teacher asks him why he is late. All the boy says is Willytop. The teacher looks at him horrified, and sends him to the office.
Well, the boy arrives in the prinxxxxls office, and the prinxxxxl asks him why he was sent down. All the boy said was Willtop. The Prinxxxxl was so horrified that he expelled the boy from school.
Well, the boy went home, to find his parents in the living. They told the boy they knew he was expelled, but they wanted to know why. All the boy said was Willytop. The parents were so horrified by this that they kicked him out of the house.
Well, the boy is now walking to dark town streets, when he is stopped by a cop. The cop asks him why he is walking the streets alone. All the boy says is Willytop. The cop is so disgusted, that he kicks the boy out of town.
Well, the boy is now sitting in a bar, and the bartender asks him why he is alone. All the boy said was Willytop. The bartender looked at him horrified, but before the bartender could say anything, the boy says “Please sir, I was kicked out of school, my house and even my hometown because of willytop. what does it mean sir?” The bartender nods, and tells the boy to come with him across the street, because if he tells him in the bar, the other people may get mad.
Well, the boy and the bartender are across the street from the bar. The bartender opens his mouth, but before he could speak, a drunk driver hits them both.
—
I was walking down the street the other day when this bum comes up to me and says he hasn’t had a bite in three days.
So I stabbed him.
—
Q.What did the robot say to the child?
A.Nothing, he malfunctioned and strangled him. Despite the authorities best efforts to free the kid, he was still strangled because robots are really strong. After killing the boy, the robot self destructed and leveled 5 city blocks everyone within the vicinity was killed.
—
Why did the paramedic refuse to save the dying child?
Because he was off-duty!
—
Why did the woman lose the beauty contest?
Because she was ugly.
—
why can’t the little boy go to school?
he has terminal cancer.
—
Why did Hellen Keller lose her hand?
She tried to read a road sign at 40 miles an hour.
—
How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her?
They moved the furniture.
—
Johnny comes back from school crying and says, “Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head.”
His mother replies, “No you don’t Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings.”
—
Why did the clown fall off the swing?
Someone shot him in the face
—
What did the horse say when the guy started spanking his ass?
Nothing…Horses dont talk.
—
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
A: She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
—
Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: It wasn’t. Numbers are not sentient and thus are incapable of feeling fear.
—
Why are black people so good at basketball?
because they PRACTICE
—
What do you call a black pilot?
A pilot.
—
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Bob.”
“Oh, come in.”
—
How many Hindu’s can you get into a Mini?
4 adults and possibly a small child.
—
There’s an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.
—
A very rich man had a son. He was very proud of his son. The son was smart and diligent and did well in school.
On the son’s 16th birthday, the father went to his son and said “son, you are the apple of my eye and I’m very proud of you. I am a very rich man and since you have made me so proud I will buy you ANYTHING you ask me to buy you for your 16th birthday.”
The son, without hesitation, asked his father for 1,000 green golf balls.
The father was taken aback. “But son, that’s such a strange request! Might I remind you that I’m VERY rich, and I could buy you ANYTHING your heart desires?!”
But the son was adamant, and his father, though confused, honored his son’s request.
Some years later the son graduated from college at the top of his class. His father, once again beaming with pride, came to his son.
“Son, you are the apple of my eye and I’m very proud of you. I am a very rich man and since you have made me so proud I will buy you ANYTHING you ask me to buy you for your college graduation.”
The son, without hesitation, asked his father for 2,000 green golf balls.
The father once again was confused, and a bit angry.
“Son, that’s a ridiculous request! I’m offering to buy you ANYTHING you want! I’m a very rich man, and almost NOTHING is beyond my requisition! So please, reconsider, and tell me what you REALLY want!”
But the son was adamant, and his father, though bewildered and frustrated, honored his son’s request.
Years later, the son, following in his father’s footsteps, was a very successful businessman. He’d married a beautiful wife and borne his father many wonderful grandchildren.
One night as they ate dinner in an expensive restaurant, his father said to his son, “son, you are the apple of my eye and I’m very proud of you. I am a very rich man and since you have made me so proud I will buy you ANYTHING you ask me to buy you in honor of your fantastic success and wonderful family.”
Once again without blinking his son asked for 3,000 green golf balls.
Enraged, his father slammed his hands on the table and yelled, “WHY MUST YOU MOCK MY GENEROSITY SO?! FINE; YOU’LL HAVE YOUR STUPID GOLF BALLS, BUT YOU HAVE LOST YOURSELF A FATHER!”
And so the trade was made; the son’s strange request for the animosity of his once-doting father.
Several years later, the father and the son not having spoken once since, the father got a call from a hospital informing him that his son had gotten into a terrible car accident and was dying. Forgetting all about his grudge against his son, the father flew down to his son’s side in a flash. His son was conscious for the first time in days as his father arrived.
“Son, you are the apple of my eye and I’m very proud of you. I’m so sorry for disowning you! I know I never should have! I’m so sorry for the years we’ve lost! But I must know, son, why did you want all those green golfballs; those wretched orbs that drove us apart?! Surely you had a grand design for them; you’re the perfect son and I could not have asked for anything more in the world than you!”
His son, on death’s door, looked into his father’s eyes and said weakly, “well, father, I-”
And then he died.
—
What do you call a chicken in Antarctica?
Lost.
—
Why did Hellen Keller’s dog run away?
Because she was an abusive drunk.
—
Why couldn’t Hellen Keller drive?
Because she was blind, deaf and mute.
—
What’s grosser than 10 dead babies in 1 trash can?
Having your skin peeled off.