If I manage to laugh today off, I will be very surprised.
Unheard of possibility.
I did something once that I called Remembering How To Smile, though, in fact, I’d never known. Without knowing how I did it, there was no fear anymore. I got the Life, the Walk, the Everything. The butterfly emerged with knives out and glittering. This was Mine. Refreshed, I was part of myself for the first time in my life. It’s glorious, the strength of being self. I scared people for months afterwards, like to look into my eyes was to see fire.
It’s been faded for a long time, but I feel it returning. I can proclaim and I can fly.
I’m discovering people give me much credit I do not deserve. “Of course, you’re You! Why are you surprised?” I never knew. I am not as anything wise as I am accused of. Told that my actions and thought are admired, I am lost. I am not special. I am not unique. The Dance you so desire isn’t purposeful. It happens. That people say I should know better, that I should assume and expect a certain kind of chaos and joy, this is somehow a new thing. Information I was ignorant of yet tying into that feeling. That flood of being everything without thinking about it.
Part of it feels like acting. Partially it’s a widening of self. I don’t know if I can do it, but I do. I push and find no barrier. I create a space with my false confidence and eventually fill it on the assumption that I can. Bravado constantly cycling into the real.
I have been startled. I do not say Yes.
Tonight I had a fabulous dinner with Silva. Tomorrow I go to Seattle with Alistair.
How about you and me, reader, we go hold hands somewhere we can’t be laughed at?