Month: July 2004

nerve?

No explanation is forthcoming from my friend missing. If that is how things are to be, I suppose I must accept. I suppose, as well, that I have distraction enough currently to keep me worried overmuch. I hope it does not continue too long.

Gavool leaves Wednesday.

First night here I woke in the darkness rigid. Too early for morning light, there was someone in the bed beside me. Quick strict feeling of Wrong. I’m better now. I’m learning. We’re learning. Feeling sometimes like I’m trying to force something that isn’t there. Pushing against to find no barrier. I think that he does the same. Intimacy not quite, but acting as if. Not time enough to wait in, but time enough maybe to remember his face.

“This art is ABOUT”

Stretched out pale last night in the faint light from the window. Same size hands creating out of nothing. Curves, angles, a filled out form. Alabaster. My new favorite thing. Studying for sculpture, settling perhaps in for a painting. Frieze for you. Frozen. A pose. Nothing to hide. I won’t close my eyes when you look at me. Afterward, for a moment, surprise as you terrified. Figure study seduction darling. The absinthe on the table with the still life as we enact stereotypes. Next time, we should do this in France.

For those of you who know what it means, Gavin and I were going through the Straight yesterday and I found another advert of my fathers.

DANNY HOLMES – Hall of Fame
Would like to meet/educate my kids in music/art.

I’m only slightly terrified. He’s 50 now. There was an e-mail addy and I think I’m going to answer it. Create a false address with no link to any of my netnames. These have been showing up every once and awhile in the Straight for about 2 years. I’ve seen two before. One looking for a young female musician for ‘an upcoming project’ which I SINCERLY hope no one ever answered, and another looking for us. Mum’s in the phonebook these days but I can’t imagine he’ll ever call again. It didn’t go over so well last time. The Filth stomped him pretty hard. I suppose this means he’s still in Van. I’m going to attempt to word my letter in a way that doesn’t say I’m here in Van still. I may try to outright lie and give him my address in Toronto.

I want to tell you how much you mean to me without sounding young

The sounds are different with every body. The movements, the whisper sound of hands on paper. I didn’t think that would be something to miss, but seemingly I do. We smile when we look at eachother. I think there’s many moments of not knowing what to say. He’s eaten more life than I and so rescues words with a grace I can’t yet achieve. I’m lost, halting. His eyes are a colour I don’t recognize.

Calgary doesn’t seem very far away now. Only a step outside and to the left. The mountains don’t exist, only the road and the path and that simple breakfast above in a bookstore. I need to be more alone in the city. Tornado weather on the way out. Sudden hail half a foot deep, white and green hiding the blinding sun. The highway invisible in the middle of July ice. Every night fireworks. Light crash and the cityscape. Purple red and green falling over the sparkle of the amusement park rides. I could like it here. I could never get lost. The feeling of knowing that never dies properly, but fades slow.

He turned to me with a paintbrush in his hand the night of Deans birthday. This Isn’t Mine, though they think it is. Sweetness and Marissa sleeping on the couch. Her fifteen year old friend Rachel, obviously out of her depth. Gavin and Dean fixing Ians shoes with chemicals and a nailgun. Uncomfortable with these strange people full of the creative.  Lucky she wasn’t there for the potatoe cannon out the front. Certain she didn’t see me watching her discomfort, my eyes full of Gavin. I caught him watching me perched on the car door our first day. I’d left my book behind at the studio in my morning exhaustion. The twelve hour drive accomplished in eight. The door was stuck when I ran in. I thought it was Dean who called come in. I slammed it open to realize I’d sent glass hurling towards a steel door. Twirling, I caught it to turn in a wave of black and velvet. I don’t know who was more surprised. Trembling adrenaline.. 

“here, right here, I am home more than in any place”

I’m in Calgary still. The studio becomes more eerily familiar the more time I spend here. Tonight is likely going to be the end of walking on paint. It is dark outside and chances of dinner are slimming with every minute. I was curled here with Gavin, talking of nothing in particular and glad of it. Our voices are more our own when we are alone. He’s left a canvas on the wall from last night, ready and waiting and tempting. Yellow and something to resist. I likely would if it were set on the floor or lower. Flowers, though it’s midnight and Deans birthday is over. If I knew the city better I would have known where to get him something interesting. Alone for the first time since I left the city.
going to drown my sorrows, like there’s no tomorrow
Dean and Shauna are sitting in thier room watching Donnie Darko. The only room not a riot of colour. The door is shut, but I hear the music. I can understand missing this place, wanting to stay. There is an expression here that I’m not around enough. A feeling of being able to jump, it’s not even fire, but water. I like that their sounds drift muted through the door.
The place we stay in is cold. The basement freezing in the middle of the summer nights. I woke once to the sight of my breath above me. Lighter shadow in the incomplete darkness. This morning I could not sleep for other reasons. Ones more amusing and personal. There is a grotto attached to the building of colour, burned and firegutted. Desecrated ground home for the pigeons, it was beautiful. Razor wire and no ground to trust. Gavin destroying, creating a gate so that I might see. A gift I said thank you for. After the stairway of brick, I wanted to touch him then. Standing highest above together, with lightning flashing. The spark, arcing, likely just me.
We’re too polite in this third wheel syndrome.
We need fireworks, and lightning and other party distraction. I can only hope I mean as much in so little a time, but he turned when I wanted him to, met me when I didn’t ask. Complete with eyes closed and explosions. An appropriate first time for everything. Again. He’ll be coming to town until only Thursday. Work needs him and vice versa. That endless grind and toil. The canvas is set, and it is half an hour later now. Any more time and I will have to play. I can imagine them somewhere mistakenly attempting to give us time alone, not knowing that he’s hours gone.

today I ache in muscles I’d forgotten I had

Busy as it was, yesterday was right. Everything that was to be done got done, everyone visited was visited. New people were met and I ended my night dancing. Well, actually, I ended my night sharing a cab with a boy I’d met at a useless bustop. We walked back to the club together and we waited outside. He was attached to Evad and crew, and we rode together to Commercial and Hastings. More of that meeting people thing.

The potluck was nice, Mishka came along and we brought pie, though fairly foodless for me. Met the friends from back east of Matthews, though only remember the names of Rowan and Jeremy. There was frisbee in the backyard until the Glick Garden was at too much risk. Playing in the dark with a black frisbee with a blind girl. Yeah, we moved inside. Plus – mosquitos. Mosquitos suck. *ducks*

The party at Alicias was busy. Watermelon and lots of people wandering around in bedsheet togas. People had come out for Vic whom I haven’t seen in half an age, though I mostly sat on the couch with Tim and Mishka, drinking scary peach bilini’s that Vic insisted on giving us. It was nice to see friends having fun, and just as nice to have Mishka meet them.

She had a gig this morning so she wasn’t up for going dancing afterwards, though she wanted to. I think her ex was there though, so it’s likely for the best. She dropped me off and I ended up in the tiny line around midnight. I met an english boy through lending them my jacket, pinstripes matching, and we pretended to be a couple to get in faster. There were fewer people there that I knew, but I’m not used to coming in so late. When inside, I just hit. Straight to the floor and hard. Johnathan was there, drunk and so far more friendly than usual. I’ll forgive his hands and teeth because I’m like that. He didn’t leave any marks and I got to laugh and grab his hands.

When I got home I was soaked through from dancing. Taste of salt and honey. I’d danced on the side against the wall, a bit with the english boy, but mostly by myself. A successful night when people compliment me without expectation. The people who asked me to dance, I all turned away, though I have a promise from the European fellow that he’ll ask me to dance next month. He held my hand after I winked at him. We get along. We talked outside while flagging down cabs. “Beauty before age.” Inside I was laughing at myself so hard it hurt. I’ve already forgotten his name.

soft slinky grace

*superexciteyjhayne* I’m getting a FERRET!!!!!!!!!! She’s going to spend my week away with Bliss. *love* I want to rush through my week now. Run past the hours and minutes until when I can meet her little furry paws. She’s about 8 months old, and I don’t really know anything else yet. *swoons* FERRET!

*happy*

and yay! Jaques is making me breakfast! Then to work, where I call Calgary, then to Silva’s for evening wonderfulness.

I love the world.