Month: June 2004

it’s not insomnia

I can’t sleep.

Final Bejeweled Score: 80,720
Congratulations! You beat your previous Best Score of: 40,475

This seems to be a reoccuring phenomenon. My day has been full, hours swept up for the day. A pile of shining glimmer in the corner, waiting for sleep. I’ve even gone so far as to write a letter to One Yellow Rabbit in Calgary, searching vaguely for an old lover. I wrote one to Green Fools years ago that never replied, perhaps this one will bear fruit after blossoming. It’s an evening for letters. Michael and I erranded up SFU mountain at midnight to deliver a letter for Silva. She’d forgotten to take it up there earlier today and so, having nothing better to do, I volunteered. There looks to be vast amounts of unguarded construction up there right now. Damn my lack of camera. Next time up there, I will know better and will have shoes.

I don’t know you except for the way you make me feel.
Can never be prettier. Nevermind I hate it here.

Thank you Silva, for this gift of silver. I go now to deliver your letter

My life is full of unaccustomed pieces. People mostly. Conversations full of wit and appreciation.
I spent time with unlikely people today and am glad for it. A thin sheet of interest covering everything, keeping me from sleeping. This must be close to the best I can be while here in Vancouver. Whatever it is that I’m doing, it feels like I’m falling. I feel a freedom.

I called Mishka to tell her of my new place. She was hard pressed to believe that I Liked a boy and couldn’t understand why I didn’t “just go jump him”. Beautious simple answers. She’s coming into town for this weekend. I may insist we go swimming. I would like to splash in water with her. It’s been a very long time since we’ve held eachother. She says her hair is lighter now than mine, but I know my blood is deeper.

I love living on the Drive.

Michael was on my messenger this afternoon and we arranged to meet for lunch. “Hey baby – you’re so cute – you know you picked the better man” We met on the same day as I met Bill. I tried calling him today, as he was to call me, but he apparently wasn’t there. Ex-Love only reaffirming my predisposed thoughts on him. Daniel answered. I don’t know what he thinks of me these days. Never my friend really, but friendly.
June fourth.

There was a bit of trepidation about picking up my paycheck. Adding to it is the fact I tend to forget that I recieve the things. Little numbered pieces of paper – how worthless. Thankfully there wasn’t much to deal with. I left Adrian on the streetcorner and he never Talked about a thing.

Following a 3 o’clock lunch, Michael and I took a closed tour of Storyeum. We had a lot of fun. He walking me past and though the dusty cement floored backgrounds and hidden hallways. He’s learning and I appreciate it. Behind the scenes was less of a surprise than I thought it might. How do I know all this technical? How is it I notice fractured perspective upon walking into a room? I knew more than I supposed. What an odd education that allows for such things. Of all of it, even more than the locomotive, my favorite was the splendid Raven on a stick. In my mind, I dropped to my knees. What torture to not be able to bring home such an alluring delight. Plus, hey, I got to touch one of the projectors. *drool* I asked him to tell Jaques that I was “considering” dropping by for my films. I dearly hope the message is relayed wtih inflection. My decision will likely be put off until July, but I will not expect him to wait so long.

After dropping off my cheque at the bank on first, the entirety of my day was a halfplan to visit Neriad and Alex with fruit. I stopped by Sweet Cheribim, but then I ran into Silva. She was driving up Commercial when she caught me at Venebles. Another block and I would have been lost to the sidestreets. We went food shopping and she brought me up to date. Dinner was in the garden at her house, with two black cats chasing eachother and the insects. Life is throwing her some changes. Her Love has decided that she has to live in San Fransico and simply can’t commute anymore. She’s quitting SFU and the house is being sold from under her. Eleven years there and her Love is too far away. It’s sad, but I don’t believe the day will break her. Looking back on our life together, there is nothing there but time coming and her slicing the waves. It’s an interesting perspective, getting to see the eyes of someone who’s known me since I was four. We’re complicated in different ways, and we love all the more for it. My family is precious. I’m glad I brought her happiness today. It was like turning on a light. I left her on the phone with Kip. She will be alone, but more carefree.

it’s like an interview, this conversation

A crocus will come up every year. If you pick it, that one dies, and doesn’t return. I’ve had moments in my life that were distinctly reminiscent–where you don’t want to be the person to interrupt something amazing. How can one tell if one’s replanting a crocus or picking and killing it? And if the latter, is that something you’d be willing to be responsible for?

I suppose, though that’s not quite what I’m concerned for

It’s a responsibility – changing a relationship. Taking on a person and their needs and wants and yours and drat – It’s just scary, I suppose. I guess I’m a ‘good girl’ under and I’m not being anything different yet.
When I want a relationship – it happens. It’s the want and tug and pull that’s easy.
“I want this” is simple.

I don’t think gender has a lot to do with it, but also in a very big way it does. It all depends on what the topic is and the situation. Where the Dance is, who’s leading.
The pursuit is fine. It is not the problem. I like the pursuit – it’s fun. The twirl is wonderful. Meeting someone new is never a problem. Because no matter, you’re still in the chase then. You’re just beginning the first steps. It’s the decisions, the finality that gets me.
It’s the dedication – the previously mentioned dedication. The step that cannot be recalled
That last final flinging yourself into the abyss. The word, the kiss. That whatever it is that shifts everything sideways.

I am the empress of delay.

Choosing in that moment – I am afraid to say Yes.

earthquake

I love moments wherein you’re confessing a particular opinion to someone who then says it in exact unison.
It makes me giggle inside my head. “He’s a bit creepy”

I think I need a shot of mercy. Straight up, sticky blue in the shot glass. An able to give forgiveness as well as compassion. Top up the glass with understanding, with the slightest fruity hint of kindness. Let them sift and simmer together. Let colours swirling become empathy, emotion. Let the drink feel smooth going down, yet catch in the throat with a burn. Let you be sitting in a hotel bar, with a view of the lobby. Watch the players unite under elevator music. She’s obviously waiting, but not for what. She’s playing with her ring, she’s nervous, she doesn’t know why. Your hand trails down to your necklace, and you meet his eyes. It’s combat with wills. Will you be more stubborn than me? I see the strap between your teeth. I grab it and you won’t let go. I want to paint his nails with class. Show the room outside what I see. I won’t take pictures quietly.

because an orange glow landscape is still worth stopping for

I woke with a lightning flash of pain. A large truck went by, thundering, and I wondered half-asleep if it were Andrew at the wheel. I made the mistake of trying to stretch out. Bad bad move. I have black bruises on my ankles. Never a good sign. I suppose I must resign myself to hobbling aournd a bit today. No grace for this little girl, not on the agility end.  I woke content though.
      Fed wtih answers and understanding, I am content.
My brains belly needing no quest, no searching for things I don’t know. Not yet.

e.e. cummings – dying is fine)but Death

dying is fine)but Death

?o
baby
i

wouldn’t like

Death if Death
were
good:for

when(instead of stopping to think)you

begin to feel of it,dying
‘s miraculous
why?be

cause dying is

perfectly natural;perfectly
putting
it mildly lively(but

Death

is strictly
scientific
& artificial &

evil & legal)

we thank thee
god
almighty for dying
(forgive us,o life!the sin of Death

the sound of water and the dark curl of your hair

I swept away the honey coating of skin tonight to uncover pain. Sweet
abandoning myself to walking. One step after another, walking, caught
in eachother. Words, phrases. I’m changing my reflection to something a
little more knowing. We argue, but agree while we’re at it. Send me
away and I’ll only want to know you more. Upside down and inside in. I
think it’s going away.

Hollowed of everything but the inablilty to take another step, I only
started falling at Grandview Park.. Too far, and though no scrapes to
show, I know I will have bruises. Down the Drive, then up it, and
halfway back again. The film was lovely, wonderful. Vignettes collected
beautifully over years. Sparks of brilliance shining through rough cuts
and purposefully harsh editing. I will tell certain people to see it
and will seek it out when if for sale. Afterwards, the park, the
sunset. People smiling; kites. I feel I talk too much, but then again,
I will selfconcious for a very first time. Sincerly, a tell me why? The
ocean. And answers. Words, trilling only because I hear them as such.
Laughter underwater, under thoughts, made of truth. Perhaps I will
spend that time. Perhaps I will say Yes finally, though a doubt asks if
only it must be one of my only remaining fears.

Desire carries consequence.
can i dare that responsibility

It was too far to walk to Main street from English Bay. Continuing
forward I could feel the bones. Picturing the piston shift movement of
the undercarriage. Joints and justice. I will feel this tomorrow and be
lucky if I do not feel it tonight.